TW!!!! Talk of SH and su!c!de
I don’t deserve the love I receive.
“Yes you do.”
Why? I hardly know how to love anymore that I can’t give any love back to him.
“Shut up. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Learn to love. And stop hurting yourself.”
It’s so hard to stop. He talks about changing as if it’s ‘easy’ well for me, it’s not. I WANT to change more than anything and get better but whenever I see any type of cutter or sharp object, I want to drive it across my skin. Whether it me my wrists, arms, hands, etc. I don’t care. Seeing something I can potentially hurt myself with makes me want to remember every little reason I wanted to commit suicide or cut myself. It makes me want to remember every experience I tried SO HARD to forget. But yet I still can’t kill myself. It’s selfish and I don’t have the balls. I have someone that loves me and I love him. I have friends I know I can go to. I have no right to be so upset right now but I am. I hate it so much. I should be grateful for what I have, not try to leave it all behind. But I still can’t get the stupid image out of my head no matter what anyone says. What would happen if I truely said goodbye? People would get over it, right? How would he feel? Would he be upset..? Probably but Hed move on. What if u didnt die but started taking pills? Antidepressants? Would that affect myself or people around me? Most likely. How interesting. Why was he so worried for me taking melatonin? I’m not dead yet and I wasn’t taking enough to overdose. Yea, you’re only meant to take one but four is not that bad and it never killed me. What’s the big deal? Ugh. I hate feeling like this. Like I used to two years ago. It sucks.
