𝙍𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙞𝙚 ⋆

hey...is chloe okay?

i genuinly fuking ahte this
          
          apparentl and from my mom's words, "im dead tonight"
          
          so like fuk, sure let me be dead tonight i genuinly ant even care, my dad's mad about me telling him my mic wasnt working, hes mad beause i was upset that he vouldnt connect my headphones to my old laptop with bluetooth, hes mad because i tried after he did and tried to see if i can make it work
          
          and apparently im in the wong. so fine, im dead. let me be dead tonight ive aready been burnt out so just add more to this
          
          i genuinly dont even care at all at this point let dad hit me or wtv its not like this is the first or even the last time.
          
          he was already mad and brunt out and hes just making evuses to vent out his anger physically even though he has back problems and a heart one too
          
          he was already more violent than usual sine his mom, my grandma died.
          i talked to him after he beat mom and they didnt talk for like two weeks.
          i talked to him and i asked him, i asked him why he treated her like that, and if he, if he wasnt scared this would happen to one of us? i asked if hed be happy with that or angry
          
          he just kept on mentioning religon. he even tld me once that if i ever let my "husband" cook/clean then he didnnt raise me right
          
          yea you didnt
          you never knew how to raise
          u were always agressive
          ur prefectionist ego hurt me
          and i told u but u never cared
          
          just fuk this

I'm not Christian but crucified by army of lovers is AMAZING???
          
          I'm crucified, crucified like my savior
          Saintlike behavior, a lifetime I prayed
          I'm crucified for the holy dimension
          Godlike ascension, heavens away
          I've seen the deepest darkness and wrestled with gods
          Ride the noble harness, raining cats and dogs
          I stand before my maker like Moses on the hill
          My Guinness record baker, I abide your will
          The first of reciter, I saw eternal light
          Best of vocal fighters, beyond human sight
          Where thorns are a teaser, I've played a double jeux
          Yherushalaim at Easter
          I cry, I pray, mon dieu
          I cry, I pray, mon dieu

Gng it's been a few days and I'm not sure if she would eb happy if I did this but can anyone please contact chae? I can't contact her. Her insta is gone and I only have her wattpad and she hasn't been active for days and I'm just worried especially with what happened
          
          Especially her irl friends. Can anyone tell me she's okay?

"Just watch me moving far away! Nobody even knows my name and no one suspects that i m not fien and nobody outs behaves my frakenstein! "
          
          How this hits though </3

What in the holy posting.

Bro just went t the neurosurgeon and I have a mild (maybe?) Problem with my back thats probably more genetic than behavioural since my dad and his family all ahve back issues
          
          </3

Did u know that the song "imposter syndrome" the one that's like "unfortunatelt i am- my own dog my own fur companion, my own old lady on a forum"
          
          Well it talks abr a real disorder called imposter syndrome! I saw smone on yt talk abt ti and they said it's the feeling where ur bad and that people hate u even if they don't
          
          But Google said its "the persistent psychological experience of feeling like a fraud despite documented success. People with this mindset attribute their achievements to luck or timing rather than their own competence, fearing they will eventually be "found out"."
          
          So like there's 5 stages I'm pretty sure, 
          - The Perfectionist: Sets impossibly high standards and feels like a failure if every detail isn’t absolutely flawless
          
          - The Natural Genius: Believes they should master new skills instantly and feels inadequate if they have to struggle to learn
          
          -The Expert: Feels like a fraud because they don't know absolutely everything about a topic or lack every required credential
          
          - The Soloist: Believes they must complete tasks independently, viewing asking for help as a sign of weakness or fraudulence.
          
          - The Superperson: Pushes themselves to work harder than everyone else to prove they are not an imposter, leading to burnout.
          
          
          And honestly after alot of research because I got really interested I actually like really relate to this, and the song itself, "whats a way to jsut be competent?" I specifically relate to the expert and the superperson, and what I find is common in both the urge to prove they're not a fraud/imposter
          
          I don't really think I push myself much, maybe in sm stuff, but if I don't care or too burnt out I'd never actually work that hard to oush myself unless I really wanna prove a point/want to distract myself but still, I genuinly don't think I push myself that hard even if I have this insane schedule of classes on the daily basis but yea </3
          
          Anwyayyss
          Love u guys!!

I had such a long day today so like  my dad got my sisters laptops (theyre 9 and 11 btw) for their coming class and mt dad said he'd get me one next month, but even better than theirs because for D it's her first time, and he's not sure if she'll like coding so he doesn't want to get her a big laptop if he isn't using it and same with L except this sint her first time and she HATES anything computer related
          
          (Cause she thinks it makes u sm dumb crjngy stioc asshole :/ an she tells me she doesn't wanna be liek that like me, and i just laugh bro </3) ALSO they got a uh I THINK ITS A YAGO? YAMO? SM BRAND LIEK THAT SO, LENOVO YAGO 7i 2in 1 laptop which has a penk touchscreen and basically an artists' dream laptop cause its foldable 360
          
          Why is my dad getting me a laptop if I already have one?  Because I own an 15 Yr old Toshiba laptop that has a broken keyboard, and mic, and is kaggy and is Windows 9 , Karen
          
          So uh yea :3 he also got me a new headphone since uh- my old ones decided irs nice to break their own arm </3
          
          ALSO THERE WAS A UH SIREN AND BOMBS LAST NIGTH- i think there were 3 fires? It was so loud bri TT i felt rhe apartment shake-
          
          I also have a class tmrww with a new teacher sobs TT AND I AAS STUCK BABYSITTING FOR 5 HRS THIS MORNING BECAUSE EVERYONE SUDDENLY ELFT ME WITH S TO GO GET STUFF
          
          I gen don't know what else to say so uh
          
          love yall :3

I find aging so beautiful and terrifying at the same time
          
          I have bad genes, both my mom and dad came from families that basically quickly get white hair, like a girl would be in her 30s and with all white hair.
          
          My uncle form ym dad's side, has all white hair si ehe was 20 and he kept dying it. And my dad has considerably a good amount of white hair that he doesn't tother to dye since its only noticeable when u really look.
          
          My mom is the same, and her sisters also have white hair but like what I'm saying is that I have a really big chance of having white hair in my 30s TT or maybe even 20s including any diseases common between both like back and bone problems TT
          
          I was just talking to my mom, and she hadn't dyed her hair in a while so through her black hair were white strings of hair, and in the light it looked glowing and when she removed the hair covering eh sides of her head it was white. Like white.
          
          I felt really sad for her then, and this is what I mean by terrifying. People age and its so fast you barely realise the time running. And if u ditn run too u won't be able to run with it again
          
          Idk it felt sad for me but I thought u was beautiful. Like vidence u lived this life. That ur body is saying uve grown up.
          
          It's kind of scary. That concept. Growing up to me. But we all have to anywyas. Plus it's give and take. U give ur childhood for better stuff. Like for example driving and I don't consider this such a good take but its good :)
          
          Anywya syea